Enter the Youngling

A friend of mine sent me this absolutely hilarious video recently. Enjoy!

Keepin’ It On The Down-Low

Dude, I’m so…7th Grade.

The Cruelest of the Cruel

I stumbled upon this video recently, only to find out it was an April Fool’s joke from last month. It’s…so very cruel…

Surely there’s something in the Bible about how people who mess with your mind like that have been predestined for hell…

(Note to the Reader: The link in the first paragraph takes you to a much better-quality video that WordPress won’t allow me to embed. Watch it and weep at the utter cruelty.)

“I’m Not Gonna Pee Sitting Down!”

Trevin Wax finds a sad but knee-slapping hilarious video of an independent fundamental Baptist preacher in this post. I agree with him that it brings a new low in Baptist preaching. This post will remain for the hearing among you until I can get a transcript, since I cannot follow a mechanical voice very well. Make sure you aren’t drinking anything while watching this if you don’t want to call the computer repair guy. Also, the video is kinda crass (which is ironic since he’s an indy fundy KJV-Only), so if you’re easily offended, go watch something else.

UPDATE: We now have a transcript, courtesy of David Elliot (the “threegirldad“) and it follows directly below the video.

With no further ado, the video:

The Gospel According to the Cornhuskers

This just in from my friend Ryan Hall’s e-mail inbox. It was too good to simply say “follow the link.” Here it is in its entirety. Enjoy it and have a great, great laugh!

The Gospel according to a Husker fan

And it came to pass in the land of Lincoln , in the kingdom of Husker Nation, that a man named Pederson arose to rule the realm of Athletics. He was of the Kingdom, from the city of North Platte , and was a follower of the Huskers of Corn.

But he was not a wise man, forsaking the ways of the Husker Nation, sending the leader Solich into the wilderness, and turning away the warriors of old who wore the tunics of black into battle in ages past, even removing their portraits and pictures.

And in the place of Solich, he selected from the land of La-La a strange man, once known as leading a failed army known as Raiders to defeat after defeat in the grand Coliseum of the Land of Oaks , a city by the bay of San Francisco , a wicked city of Sodomites and practitioners of perversion.

And did this man, known as Callahan, become the general of the Husker armies, forsaking all traditions held dear to the hearts of the citizens.

And a strange plan known as the West Coast Offense was forced upon the armies, and the proven tactics of old were called evil and sinful by Callahan. And complex and confusing were the plans in the Offense, and failure was the result.

And the Husker armies fell apart on the fields of battle, and adversaries from the Land of Troy , the hated Sooners, the powerful Orange Cowboys from the land of Still Water , yea even the despised Purple Cats from the wasteland of Kansas , did achieve victory after victory over the once-mighty Husker armies, and the wearers of the Tunics of Black.

And in the fourth year of the reign of Callahan, did the Husker armies struggle against warriors from a land where canning jars were made. And lo, the armies of Troy , the Tiger tribe from Columbia , yea, even the Orange Cowboys, did soundly defeat the Husker armies.

And it came to pass during the battle with the Orange Cowboys, in the presence of St. Thomas of Osborne and his brave soldiers of yore, that the members of Husker Nation did turn their backs upon the slaughter of the weakened armies of Callahan.

And a hue and cry arose throughout the land, in cyberspace, and on the program ESPN, for the removal of the failed general Callahan and his aides, and his master Pederson the Jerk.

And the Chancellor heard their cries, and dispatched Pederson into exile.

And St. Thomas was summoned by the Chancellor, and was given the power to rule in the department of Athletics.

And o, did Callahan wail and gnash his teeth, telling one and all of the fine works he had done. And his lies fell on deaf ears.

And there was great joy in Husker Nation as St. Thomas restored the traditions of old, welcoming with open arms the warriors of old known to the Nation.

But there was a reminder from St. Thomas that no remedies would be quick in coming, and that time shall pass before the great Husker armies are strong and feared once again throughout the land of the Alliance of 12.

Even so, once again hope is strong among the faithful of the Husker Nation, and some day in the future the Tunics of Black shall once again be worn by the fierce defenders of the field.

Saturday Sillies

A lost-pet ad that has been making its way around Tennessee this week:

WE ARE MISSING A WHITE ENGLISH BULLDOG IN THE KNOXVILLE AREA. HIS BUTT IS BADLY BRUISED FROM THE KICKING IT RECEIVED IN NEYLAND STADIUM. IF YOU FIND HIM, PAT HIM ON THE HEAD, PUT HIM IN A BOX, AND SHIP HIM BACK TO ATHENS GEORGIA. THANKS AND GO VOLS!!!!!

Heh heh heh heh…

(Walking away chuckling uncontrollably)

Strange But True “Baptist-isms”

And an “Anglican-ism” for flavor.

Warning: those who do not have a sense of humor should not read the following post!

I was reading my good friend Ryan Hall’s blog today, and he pointed out in this post something I have joked about with my pastor but never really thought about until he brought it up:

“In the Anglican tradition we use the same chalice for Communion, not those little Protestant shot glasses o’ Jesus juice.”

Back during the height of the alcohol controversy last year, I made an offhand remark to my pastor after a Lord’s Supper service in which we had a lot of unused extra communion cups: “I guess we’ll just go back in the office and do a few shots before the SBC passes another resolution.”

The irony of our Baptist methodology is staggeringly hilarious. We are, at least on the convention level, utterly against even the appearance of alcohol support and use. Yet the very utensils we use in the ordinance of the Lord’s Supper are reminiscent of something that gets passed around in a bar.

So the next time you have Lord’s Supper, think about what you’re supporting by using a communion cup rather than a chalice. I should be thankful, however, that in my wedding we used a chalice for the Lord’s Supper.

Ryan also makes the following observation that I am still wiping my eyes over:

“Some churches use white wine or every sherry as it does not stain the linens as badly. I have no idea how anyone can think white wine is Christ’s blood. (Perhaps the platelets of Christ, but not the blood.)”

I may not be ecumenical in belief, but Ryan proves to me with every post that it is glorifying to God to be ecumenical in your relationships. Read the whole thing, it only gets funnier and funnier.

Weekend Wonderings: On The Lake

As an update, I recently received a providential gift: we got our camera working again! Didn’t even have to pay for it. Our camera (Kodak EasyShare P850) was for some reason refusing to read memory cards. We couldn’t afford to have it repaired even under warranty (which has since expired), so it has sat in its case for most of this year. In an ironic turnaround of Murphy’s Law, this week I was fiddling with it while preparing to try and transfer the pics on its internal memory. On a whim, I swapped out memory cards, and wonder of wonders it read the card! Usually Murphy shows up after the warranty expires. Joy and relief flooded our apartment, since now we won’t have to budget a new camera or beg/borrow/steal one to document our Baby Newell experiences. God was gracious. So you can expect more photos to be appearing on a Silent Holocron near you.

With this weekend’s Wondering, I bring you a photo snapped by my wife’s Sidekick II while on her uncle’s houseboat. We went to Cumberland Lake at the end of July and had a very restful and fun weekend with my in-laws.

And now, with no further ado, the picture Tricia took:

While We’re Still Talking About It…

I’ll throw in at least one more. My friend Sandy sent this one.

The sermon I think this Mom will never forget:

“Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust.” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

A very apt description of what we are without Christ, don’t you think? Out of the mouths of babes…

A Must-Have

One item that I practically demanded appear on our baby registry:

Discovered during our initial foray into cloning back in January, I immediately got a big laugh out of it and told Tricia it would have a prominent place on the baby’s medicine cabinet.

Boudreaux’s Butt Paste. I say that with authority each time it rolls off my tongue. You just can’t deny it’s cool and hilarious.