Marriage as a Picture of God’s Grace

Welcome to the 500th post here at The Silent Holocron! I promised to post about how marriage mirrors God’s grace in salvation. This post is a reflection on my own marriage, as well as an application of Ephesians 5:22-33. Let’s take a look at this passage right quick:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

I have said this passage is the bedrock on which marriage should be established. It very neatly governs all aspects of marriage. What I have learned through meditation on this passage is that one of the reasons it is the bedrock or marriage is because it is a picture of our salvation. How? Well, let’s look at how marriage occurs.

Most marriages are the result of a courtship of some sort. In olden days, the man was expected to court the woman he desired and win her heart, whether the marriage was arranged or not. As arranged marriages began to give way, more and more men would choose the woman they wanted and have their families then arrange the marriage. But men were expected to win the affections of the young woman they were to wed. Today, we do not have arranged marriages. We still, however, have some form of courtship that takes place. And it usually begins with the man asking the woman out on a date. Yes, I know this is a generalization — these days it is not unusual for a woman to initiate the relationship. But you see, what happens is that the man chooses the woman he desires to be in relationship with. She does not choose him.

Once the man has set his heart upon the woman, he begins a long process of winning her heart. He seeks to change her inclinations towards him from coolness to love. Her heart must be softened until it is not only favorable to him, but pliant and joined to him. Only then can he ask the woman to marry him — when there is no doubt in both their minds that they are meant for each other.

This is a sad commentary on modern marriage in many ways. Many enter into marriage with less than devoted hearts. Doubt still exists as to whether the spouses are meant to be together. It is easy to blame the man, and it should be the man’s responsibility. He has not worked to make his woman’s heart soft towards him so that she will put him first among the men in her life. As a result, the woman will continually sin against her man, because she has not developed a heart that respects and loves him.

But the picture remains. The man chooses his woman. She is not forced to submit; rather she is free to accept or reject his choice of her. But the choice is not hers to make; it is the man’s! As such, by the time she is brought to the point where she must choose, her heart has already been changed. She has no other option but to say yes to her man, or she will be going against her heart, which has been radically changed by his love for her. If the man has done his job, he has left the woman he loves no other avenue but to submit to him!

Further, if a man is to continue to be the focal point of his woman’s love after they are married, he will do everything needed to be worthy of that love. He will take care of her, he will serve her, he give up his wants and needs — even his life — for her. If the woman has given herself to him, she will have no other avenue but to love and respect him. Anything less would cheapen what he has done for her.

But how does this idea of “marriage” teach us how God saves us?

Me on Marriage

Or, “My Own Wedding Sermon Kicks My Can Around.”

I thought it would be a good time to link all of the posts I’ve written about my wedding liturgy on one post. This liturgy outlines what I believe about marriage. I have been developing a whole perspective for premarital and marriage counseling based on this liturgy, and the theology of marriage revealed by the liturgy will continue to be fleshed out for years to come, especially as the Lord begins to conform me to what he revealed in Scripture and I attempted to codify here.

The reason for reposting these? I read them last night for the first time since my wedding. I had preached them twice previously at the first two weddings I’d ever done, and then had the great honor of having my pastor preach it at our wedding. After reading them, they totally kicked my butt. I ought to be making this thing a monthly read as an accountability check to how good a husband I’ve been. My solace is in knowing that I didn’t reach this stage of Christian maturity in a day, and likewise I won’t become a biblical husband in a day, either. It’s a good reminder to roll up my sleeves, get some chalk from the rosin, and love Tricia, dagnabit.

Here’s the goods:

A Biblical Liturgy of Marriage
Introduction
Part 1
Part 2: Role of the Wife
Part 3: Role of the Husband
Part 4: Mutuality of Marriage
Part 5: The Pledges of Marriage
Conclusion

A Biblical Liturgy of Marriage, Conclusion

What should this liturgy that I have written teach us as single people in a relationship, or as married people?

For both the single and the married, this liturgy should teach us the standard that God has set for marriage. Women are to put their husbands first and respect them. Men are to serve and sanctify their wives as well as sacrifice themselves for their wives. Failure to do so constitutes sin against our spouse and against God.

Now, I mentioned something in Part 3 that I promised to expound on a little bit. Let me start with a question: What do we do if one spouse does not live up to their biblical mandate? I answered by saying that the believing spouse sanctifies the unbelieving spouse. I also said that I would argue that this principle applies even in a Christian relationship. Why? Quite simply because the husband is the spiritual leader of the house, and the wife is the husband’s helper. There is no escaping this principle even in non-Christian marriages, with all the flip-flopping society has done with marriage.

As the spiritual leader, the husband can and must take the lead in exhorting his wife to be what God has made her to be. If the wife is not a Christian, or simply is failing to live up to her role (willingly or unknowingly), it is the husband’s duty to model his role and teach her by his example what her biblical role is. The same applies for the wife.

Especially more so for the wife, since she has no headship authority in her role. Her authority is more of an exhortationary nature, I think. Her role is to help her husband stay on the narrow path. I liken this (probably not very accurately) to shepherding dogs. They are not the boss–the shepherd is–but their duty is to help the shepherd tend the flock. Oftentimes the dog can herd the flock all by itself. Now, this is where the point I am arguing gets illustrated. I have read that sometimes the dog can teach the shepherd how to do his job. This is usually done to young shepherds, usually boys, to teach them how to tend the flock in the fields. Of course, I have no way to verify this at the moment (please feel free to chime in if you should have info on the subject), but it is an amazing idea and explains what I’m trying to say very well. The believing or faithful spouse can function as a guide for the unbelieving or unfaithful spouse. Neither taking on the opposite role nor forcing it on them, the believing spouse can gradually move the unbelieving spouse into the proper role.

This principle mirrors the irresistible call of God in some ways, because if the unbelieving spouse is truly committed to the believing spouse, then there is no way he or she can resist becoming what God has intended in their marriage.

I’ve also said that the principles espoused in this liturgy should be practiced by those who are dating as well. What reason do I have for this? The reason being that dating is not just a romantic relationship but a search for the missing rib and the body from which that rib was taken. If a body and a rib cannot practice proper relations with each other, they can never glorify God.

Furthermore, it becomes much easier for a man and a woman to find out if they are compatible when they are seeking to relate to each other in the way that God has intended, as outlined in the liturgy. If, after faithfully assuming the male and female roles, a dating couple still cannot function compatibly, it should be obvious that they are not the ones for each other. This assumes, of course, that at every step of the way the couple is seeking God’s will for their relationship. I plan, over the next few years, to develop a worldview for premarital counseling based on this concept.

The study which led to this liturgy and the subsequent commentary here on this blog has left me convinced that if we as believers would practice our biblically mandated roles, our marriages would vastly improve. Divorces between believers would dramatically decline as marriages begin to fall into place and dating couples develop habits for healthy marriage as well as wisely divide whether or not they are meant for each other. We as a society would once again return to a time when marriages in excess of 30 years’ longevity would once again become common. But the major difference is that our behavior in our relationships would be glorifying to God.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to comment at any time!

A Biblical Liturgy of Marriage, Part 5: The Pledges of Marriage

Now, join me as we enter into the final section of the liturgy, the Pledges of Marriage.

Pledges of the Marriage Covenant

1. Pledge of the Congregation.  Friends, [BRIDE] and [GROOM] have invited you here because you are important people in their lives.  Your love and support will be important always.  Will all of you, by God’s Grace, do everything in your power to preserve this marriage?  Will you give them your love, your blessing, and your support?  If so will you please show them your support by saying “We do?”
2. Pledge of the Parents and Family.  As [BRIDE] and [GROOM] join their lives in marriage, they also bring you together in a new relationship, creating new bonds of trust and ties of affection.  As parents, it is your responsibility to train up your children in the way they should go.  This responsibility does not end at adulthood, but continues throughout their lifetimes as they face the challenges of marriage and family.  You are to be a source of encouragement, knowledge, wisdom, and support for them as they venture into God’s will for their lives.  Will you give them your love, blessing, wisdom and support?  If so will you please show them thus by saying “We do?”

Parents should come and light the Unity Candle at this point.
     The Unity Candle is a sign of the union of two people and two families brought about by marriage.  The light of each smaller candle represents the light of life in [GROOM] and [BRIDE] and birthed by their parents.  I would like to ask [GROOM] and [BRIDE]’s parents at this time to come and light the smaller candles to represent their two children who stand before us today and their families.

• Pledge of the Bride and Groom.
• Bride:  I, [BRIDE], take you, [GROOM], in the presence of God, our families, and our church, to be my husband.  I covenant with you until the day I die to submit to you as I submit to Jesus, and to respect you as my husband as a sign of my love for you.
• Groom:  I, [GROOM], take you, [BRIDE], in the presence of God, our families, and our church, to be my wife.  I covenant with you until the day I die to love you as Christ loves us, to serve you sacrificially and to be a man after God’s heart in our home as a sign of my love for you.
• RINGS:  (Each says to the other in turn) I give you this ring, that you may wear it, as a symbol of the covenant we have made this day.
• UNITY CANDLE:  As a sign of the union of your two families, please come and light the unity candle from the two lights which your parents ignited.
• Prayer:  Lord, you have seen what has taken place here today before you and your church.  We ask you to bless [BRIDE] and [GROOM] as they embark upon this new stage of your will for their lives.  Fill them with the Holy Spirit for love, wisdom, and guidance as they seek to honor you in their marriage.  We ask this in Jesus’ name.  Amen.
• Minister:  Before God, your families, and God’s church, I now declare you husband and wife.  (To Groom) You may kiss your bride.

Presentation of New Couple
     It is my great honor and privilege to present to you Mr. and Mrs. [NAME]!

This is probably my favorite part of the entire liturgy.  Having understood the purpose of this covenant, and the terms of this covenant, the parties in question now pledge themselves to the covenant.  I’ve done a little reading on covenants this week, and learned that without even realizing it I had more or less reproduced the ancient procedure for establishing a covenant!  Cool beans.

Let’s examine each of these pledges, starting with the Pledge of the Congregation.

This is an important new element I have added.  I am not sure if this is original on my part or if anyone else has done it (and I would certainly be interested in knowing if it has been done by someone else).  Quite simply, I have asked Christian brothers and sisters (at least we hope they are) to engage in the ministry of exhortation towards the couple.  They are to pray for and encourage the new couple at all times.  Oftentimes secular society forgets this—just look at how society loves to speculate about how long it will be before a couple gets divorced!  Instead, we should practice biblical exhortation towards married couples.  Edify one another!

Second, and probably most importantly, I have included a parental pledge.  I allow for others in the family to participate in this pledge, but it is primarily focused on the parents.  I have come to believe that the ministry of parenthood never ends.  A lot of us, myself included, aren’t going to like that.  We all want to be out from under our parents!  But if we are honest with ourselves, we understand that we will always need our parents even when we’re 50 years old.  They are a fount of wisdom and experience, and the Bible always elevates age and wisdom over the “young and stupid.”

Simply put, they raised us, and will continue to train us up in the way we should go (Proverbs 22:6) even as we move into independence from them.  Have we been married before?  Certainly not!  Have we faced the challenges, delights, and heartbreaks of having our own family unit?  Certainly not!  Our parents will continue to influence us in this respect as we learn from them and seek to use their experience to create a God-honoring home for ourselves.  They are still training us up.  Their job isn’t finished!  No wonder we are commanded to honor our parents.  It’s just too bad that many of us (myself included) don’t do too good a job of that.  We’re missing out on a blessing.

I won’t remark here about the Unity Candle, it’s not that integral to the themes I have been developing in this liturgy.  If nothing else, it is one of the symbols of the covenant agreement.  I may need to flesh this out further, as it did not originally appear in my liturgy but was added to accommodate the couple I married.

Lastly, we have the central pledge, that of the bride and groom.

It is very telling that I ask the bride and groom to covenant with each other until the day they die.  Hopefully I have impressed upon them, in their state of heightened romanticism and stress, the seriousness of what they are about to do.  If they cannot agree to do as they are covenanting, they would be justified in turning around and walking out of the church unmarried.

I ask the bride to covenant to submit and respect the groom.  As well, I ask the groom to covenant to love her as Christ loves the church.  They are to do these things as a sign of their love for each other.  Notice they are not pledging their love, but their action.  Remember from the last post, love without action is dead.  The bride and groom are pledging not to love each other, but to actively show that love to each other until the day they die.

God does the same.  He does not pledge simply to be our God or to love us or what have you, but He defines just how He will show us that He is our God.  His Godhood is already assumed, just as the love of the bride and groom must be assumed beforehand.  If not, then there really isn’t any need for a covenant, for God is not our God, and the bride and groom do not love each other.

Well, I believe that really wraps up the liturgy.  I will make a brief concluding post tomorrow, and that will wrap up the series.  Feel free to comment in any of the sections (see sidebar).  Thanks for reading!

A Biblical Liturgy of Marriage, Part 4: Mutuality of Marriage

All right, now it’s time for the next section of the liturgy: The Mutuality of Marriage.

D) Mutuality of Marriage
     [BRIDE], [GROOM], I have one last charge to give you before we move on. [GROOM], your love, and [BRIDE], your respect and submission, are so closely tied together that they are indistinguishable. Why? Because a woman, in general, does not love that which she does not respect, and a man, in general, does not love that which he does not care for. A man cannot care for someone who does not respect him, and a woman cannot love someone she does not respect. Remember, love is action, and if you cannot act towards each other in love, then [BRIDE], you do not respect [GROOM], and [GROOM], you do not care for [BRIDE].
     [GROOM], if you love [BRIDE], you will desire her respect. [BRIDE], if you desire [GROOM]’s love, you will respect him. You cannot have one without the other. The binding attribute is love. Make this the central focus of your marriage, and you will be able, by the grace of Almighty God, to face and defeat every challenge that comes your way, because you are mutually working out of love for each other.

As I state in the second sentence of this section, I attempt here to bring together the threads of thought I have created concerning marriage. Just as individual threads by themselves cannot make fabric, marriage is not marriage if the threads of male and female roles do not come together.

In the latter half of Ephesians 5:22-33, wives are commanded to respect their husbands. I thought about this verse for several days until it occurred to me that many women, while married, do not treat their husbands with respect, but with contempt. Examining these marriages (and talking to some of these women) led me to believe that these wives did not love their husbands. At the very least they could not act in a loving manner towards them. At the risk of sounding circular, in particular they could not love their husbands because they had no respect for them. In this discovery revealed a connection–love and respect are closely tied to each other.

Now, you might be saying “Duh, Steve!” But that’s not what was so revealing to me. What was revealing to me was that women, in general, will not love someone they do not respect. For a woman to love a person, she must have a deep respect for that person. As such, if a man wants a woman’s love, he must first gain her respect.

Women don’t want girlie-men. They want a man they can respect. How earth-shattering. Guys, it’s really this simple. You don’t have to look like a soap opera stud or be even more filthy rich than Bill Gates or smarter than Einstein; you simply need to be a man she can respect. Women do not love someone they do not respect.

Men, on the other hand, very simply (yes, I know you girls are tired of us being so simplistic) don’t love things they don’t care about. I don’t care for chick flicks, therefore I don’t love them. I don’t care for pro football, therefore I don’t love it. I never cared for Sega (back during the original Nintendo era), so I certainly did not love it! And as a man, I don’t care for women who are screaming harpies, banshees, or disrespectful to other men, so I certainly won’t be able to love them beyond the surface.

But to get closer to the real point, watch a man who has a classic car. He takes care of that car, doesn’t he? He does what is necessary to maintain the car, keep it running smoothly and looking good. This is the real point. He loves that car. If a man treats a woman in the same manner, it is obvious he loves that woman. If he is unwilling to care for a woman, he does not love that woman.

That’s a wonderful illustration of James 2:14-26–just as faith without works is dead, so love without works isn’t really love. I daresay any guy who claims to love a woman and doesn’t care for her is just paying lip service. He’s just trying to manipulate her heart so she’ll meet his needs. Else he just has a strong emotional and/or physical attraction and that’s it.

But notice I’ve tied a man’s love very closely to a woman’s respect. Remember I said I certainly don’t love a woman who doesn’t respect men? A man cannot or will not direct his love towards a woman who does not respect him. A woman cannot or will not respect a man who does not care for her. It is impossible to have one without the other and have a healthy relationship.

The linchpin in all this is love. If a man and woman cannot act in love towards each other, then the man truly does not care for his woman, and the woman truly does not respect her man. You see? You cannot have one without the other. Love must be the driving force behind every relationship, else it does not give God glory.

We, men and women both, must pray that God will give us a love for our sweethearts that allows us to respect and care for each other. We must also pray that God will develop in us a respect and caring for each other that strengthens that love. If we can exhibit these attitudes and behaviors in our relationships, then the gates of Hell will never prevail against us, and God will receive all the glory!

Next time we will indulge ourselves in the last section of the liturgy; namely the Pledges of Marriage.

A Biblical Liturgy of Marriage, Part 3: Role of the Husband

Last time, I said that I would take a look at just what these “Armor of God”-clad husbands look like. Before we do that, let me warn you I’m gonna experiment with the font a smidgen so I can try and differentiate the liturgy from the commentary. I’d also like to warn any ladies who may read this that my commentary is unapologetically male. If I compare ladies with inanimate objects you’ll hopefully bear with me and see what I’m getting at.

C) Role of the Husband
     [GROOM], your role is different from [BRIDE]’s. Where she is commanded simply to submit to you, you are commanded to love her unto death. This is a serious, serious responsibility, greater even than hers. If Jesus had not accepted His responsibility to die for us, we would never have been saved. You have a similar obligation: if you cannot love her in this way, she can never submit to you! Further, if you truly love yourself, the Scriptures say, you will love her in this way. What a remarkable way to apply the Great Commandments: Love God with everything you are and love others as you love yourself!
     What is your love for [BRIDE] to be like? This Scripture gives us three things. First, your love for her is to be serving. You are to care for [BRIDE] and make sure that she has all she needs, just as Jesus takes care of our every need. Second, your love for her is to be sanctifying. You are the spiritual leader of your new home. It is your responsibility as [BRIDE]’s husband to be one of the means by which God makes [BRIDE] more like Jesus. Always speak the truth in love to her, never in anger, for your words and actions to her will either transform her or become a stumbling block to her faith! Third, your love for her is to be sacrificial. As I said before, Jesus died for the church that He loved. You are to be willing to die for [BRIDE]. John 15:13 says that “the greatest way to show love for one’s friends is to die for them.” That is even more true of your love for [BRIDE]. Be willing to die to your own wants, your own desires. Be willing to die to your own plans. Be willing to die every day for her, just as we must die to sin every day and put on the new man in Christ Jesus.

I don’t think I can emphasize enough the vast difference in roles here. Basically, all a woman has to do is put her man first. Easy enough, right? I know some of you girls out there are rolling your eyes at me now. But bear with me. Think about this for a moment. A man is commanded to give up his very life for his woman. If he truly loves his woman, he will love her even to the point of death. You can’t get more serious than that. This responsibility is greater than simple submission. The woman isn’t being asked to die for her man, she is just being asked to make him her number one relationship. The man is being asked to drop everything for his woman.

Now think about that, ladies. Isn’t that even more honoring to you than the world would have you believe? Feminism conveniently overlooks this part of the Scripture. If Jesus had not dropped everything (Phil. 2:5- and come to earth, we’d never be having this discussion to begin with. Likewise the man is commanded to “empty himself” for you. You! That is love, baby.

Otherwise you could never submit to him. Women, in general, won’t accept anything less than a man’s total devotion. Those of you who disagree are just plain in denial. You all want a man who is devoted to you like that. And just think, he loves you the same way he loves himself and his Playstation and his dog–totally and unashamedly. And even better, that’s biblical.

Hmm, Playstation as a metaphor for married love. I must be tired.

Anyway, what does this total and unashamed love look like? First, the man is commanded to serve his wife. Those of you familiar with the book Covenant Marriage won’t be surprised to read that. Jesus said He came to serve, not to be served (Matt. 20:27-28). If you look at that verse, who is really getting a servant or a slave? It sure ain’t the man! Also, the man is to serve his woman because he is to care for her every need, just as Jesus provides our every need as claimed in Philippians 4:19.

Second, the man is commanded to sanctify his wife. The man is the head of the household, and as such is the “head of the woman (1 Cor. 11:3).” This headship gives the man spiritual leadership in the home. As such he is to lead his woman into a deeper walk with Jesus. He is to be one of the various means by which God makes her more like Jesus. This is an extremely serious responsibility, because failure to be the spiritual leader can lead to the man becoming a stumbling block to his wife’s faith! And we all remember what Jesus said about stumbling blocks (I hope; see Matthew 18 for a hint).

Third, the man is commanded to sacrifice for his wife. He is to be willing to die for his wife. He is to be willing to give himself up. Now, I have gone beyond mere physical death in defining sacrificial love. I have defined it here to include “dying to self.” Just as we die to self and rise to Christ, so must the man die to himself each day and rise to his wife. Jesus subordinated His desire to bypass the cross because He knew we needed a Savior, according to the will of the Father. We men should also subordinate our desires for those of our wives for the same reason. God has divinely decreed that we are to serve our wives and sanctify them, and this is to be our top priority in our marriages. Nothing else gets in front of that. Nothing. If that means we have to give up overtime to take our wives out for a romantic evening, watch a chick flick, or what have you, then that’s what we’ve got to do. If that means giving up our computer time or even (my hands tremble as I write this part) the Tennessee-(insert SEC opponent here) game, then that’s what we’ve gotta do.

Lord knows this is the hardest part of loving our wives–sacrifice. I don’t want to give up my computer time to talk with Tricia. I don’t want to turn off the Tennessee-Florida/Georgia/Alabama/Kentucky/any other opponent game to go shopping or whatever with her. I really don’t. I’d much rather wear a pink silk shirt with white slacks and penny loafers in San Francisco than give up the things that I enjoy doing by myself. But if I love Tricia I am willing to do it, because God has decreed that it be so. To act in any other way but that is to act in a way that Dr. Leigh Conver calls unredeemed. This is the area where God is going to humble and mature me in the next two to five years, as I learn how to be a godly husband.

Ladies, pay careful attention to these points. If a guy isn’t willing to love you in these ways, he’s not worth your spit. If you’re not married, pray that God will lead you to a man who is willing to love you this way. Should you decide to stay with this heel, don’t try to force him to change. Pray for him instead, that God will make him a man after His own heart. If you’re married, you should also pray that God will make him a man after His own heart, and model your biblical role to him. Complaints, nagging, and attempts to force change will only make him resent you. Remember, the believing wife sanctifies the unbelieving husband (1 Cor. 7:14), and I’m going to argue this principle applies even in a Christian marriage where one spouse isn’t living in a God-honoring manner towards the other. I’ll have more to say about this particular item either in the next part or in a follow-up post. Oh, and for both singles and marrieds: make sure you get plenty of counseling too.

All in all, this view of the male role in marriage, especially of male headship, takes an extremely high view of women and womanhood. In this role, the woman is respected and extolled, put on a pedestal. The woman is to be cared for as the most precious thing in the man’s life. Like a prize mint condition ‘57 Chevy, she is to be cherished and served, anything that would sully her fought to the death. Did Christ do any less with us? He held us, His bride, in such high esteem that despite our sin He died for us. Can’t get any higher a view than that. Oh, praise Him for His grace, why don’t you!

These three areas are so important that I’m almost wanting to type them again below just to make sure you read it twice. Guys, pay careful attention to these three points. Are you loving your wives, fiancees, or girlfriends in a way that is serving, sanctifying, and sacrificial? If you’re not, isn’t it time you started?

A Biblical Liturgy of Marriage, Part 2: Role of the Wife

Before I go to bed (it’s been a long night at UPS), I’d like to get in the next part of the wedding liturgy. Without further ado, I present to you Part 2.

(In this section, I personalized a short transition from the scripture to the homily for the wedding in which this was first performed.)

     You may remember an old school contemporary Christian song by D.C. Talk. In that song they said that “luv is a verb.” How true that is! Love is action, and that is the heart of the roles given to both of you by Scripture. Your action, your behavior, towards each other is the center of your relationship. Your love is the heart of your marriage.

B) Role of the Wife
     [BRIDE], I hope that you appreciate the position I’ve just put you in. From what Scripture says, you as [GROOM]’s wife are to put him first. That is what submission truly means. Many people in the world today have twisted what Scripture means to make it sound as if you are to be [GROOM]’s slave. Never let it be so! Instead, you are commanded to put [GROOM] first just as you as a Christian put Jesus first. Among all your worldly relationships, none is more important than your marriage to [GROOM]. As the head of your marriage, failure to submit to him is similar to failure to submit to Christ – it is called sin! And in this world few sins are more deeply felt than sin by one spouse against another. Hold him up as your example of Jesus in this world. Let him be your knight in shining armor in the way God has intended, not as you desire. If Jesus is truly your King, let [GROOM] be the king of your heart and none other, not even yourself. Give your heart to him and do not keep it from him, in the same way that we give ourselves wholly to Jesus.

I think it was very important for me to emphasize that love is action. My grandfather once told me that “love is the way you treat someone,” and that has held true over the years. I’ve often read in relationship and marriage books that love isn’t some abstract feeling, but it is an action towards another. Dirty diapers have quite often been used as the example that illustrates the point. If you really love the baby, you’ll clean up the poop, even though you certainly don’t feel loving at that particular moment! This allowed me to impress upon the couple that their love was a living and active thing, not just something that burned in their hearts.True submission involves putting another first.

The CEV translated it in a way that I feel really worked: “a wife should put her husband first, as she does the Lord…wives should always put their husbands first, as the church puts Christ first.” Very often people trip over the word “submit,” and sometimes I wonder if that trip is deliberate. Feminism has ruined it for women, as the bride in this wedding once told me. Any hint of a man possibly having authority or position greater than (or God forbid over) a woman is viewed as a great sin against society.

Granted, Paul called himself a “slave to Christ,” but is slavery to Christ in any way similar to the type of position feminists claim evangelicals are assigning them? Not a chance. Remember, “if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed.” True freedom for a woman in a relationship comes when she puts her man first, just as true freedom for the Christian comes from putting Jesus in the #1 slot. No other human relationship is to take priority over her husband. When she fails to make him first, the result is or can be sin against her husband and a damaged marital relationship.

Think about that for a moment. Sin against one’s husband. Sin against one’s wife. Could any sin be more grievous? Marital sins have the potential to destroy not only marriages, but entire families, from the nuclear unit on down through the extended family. The entire community, by extension, is affected by marital sins. Henry VIII of England is a good example of how sins against his spouses affected not only a family but an entire nation (and for years afterwards as well).

I would love it for wives to see their husbands as outfitted in the shining Armor of God, not in the armor of their Prince Charming fantasies. Could anyone be more handsome than a man adorned in God’s power and glory? Therefore women should and must abandon their fanciful and unrealistic images of what they expect their husbands to be, and instead exchange this lie for the truth of Scripture.

Wives, give your hearts wholeheartedly to your husbands, as they are clothed in God’s armor for one specific purpose: to love you as Christ loved the church!

Next time, we’ll look at what exactly such an armor-clad husband looks like.

A Biblical Liturgy of Marriage: Part 1

Okay, let’s get right to business, following my outline: The Purpose of the Ceremony.

Purpose of the Ceremony

        Dear friends and relatives, we have gathered here today before Almighty God to witness and celebrate the joining together of this woman and this man. The covenant of marriage was established by God from the very beginning, starting with Adam and Eve. In Genesis 2:18-24 God declared, “it is not good that a man be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” And in an act of divine power and love, God took Eve out of Adam’s side, and for this reason the Scripture says in verse 24 that “a man will leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Let us pray.
        Almighty God of Wonders, our Father, bless us with your presence today. For you have promised us that wherever two or more are together in your name you are there with them, and for that we give you our praise and glory. We ask for your blessing upon Sandy and Nick as they seek to honor you in marriage. As you have in your grace brought them together, sanctify them with the Holy Spirit, that they might have a new heart and mind for their life together. Guide them and be with them always, through Jesus Christ your Son. Amen.

Giving of the Bride

• If parents are living/present: “Mr. and Mrs. [NAME], do you consent to give your daughter in marriage to [GROOM]?
• If parents are deceased/not present/prefer this: “Who gives this woman to be married?”
• RESPONSE: “We do.” or “Her mother and I.”

In this opening to the ceremony, I assert two things: marriage is a covenant, and that the reason for marriage is the seeking of wholeness by a man and a woman. The covenant of marriage gets explained later, in the homily. But I would think it is true that marriage is a search for wholeness in another.

It would be very easy for me to start entertaining fanciful theories such as men need their “feminine halves” and vice versa, but then I’d just look ridiculous. But I think the truth of wholeness is that men need their “missing rib,” and women need the comforting embrace of the body from which they were taken. Ever notice how much women love hugs? I’d daresay that on some deep, instinctive level women are reminded of a time when they were whole, when they belonged to one flesh. Ever notice how men love it when they find something that was missing? Same concept. A man tends to feel complete when he finds something that was missing. We guys tend to enjoy hugs by our significant others in a similar way that women do–we’ve found that missing piece of the puzzle and we’re reminded of when we had all the pieces together. We (men and women) are seeking to become “one flesh” once again. And God has sovereignly brought together the missing rib and the body from which it was taken.

It’s amazing how something as simple as a hug can illuminate Scripture.

It’s not good for us guys to be alone. We in general do not feel fulfilled without that missing rib. I’d expand on that and say it is just as bad for women to be alone. Now, obviously this does not take into account those who are called to singleness; but singleness is not the issue here. Men and women need each other more than they realize, and God has arranged it (dare I say designed?) in such a way that we instinctively seek out each other.

That’s a beautiful thing, men and women were designed to chase after each other. In the context of Godly relationships, that chase is a wonderful, God-honoring thing. Even relationships that do not end in marriage can give God glory, because we are fulfilling His design by searching for that significant other.

Now, the question becomes one of how we fulfill that design within the relationship. Before we go there, I’m going to argue that the roles of marriage should apply to every relationship between a man and a woman, from mere friendship to dating to actual marriage. Especially more so in a dating relationship than in a friendship. This is because I have come to believe that if we truly want to respect and love the opposite sex, then they must be treated as if they were that missing piece.

I’m not saying that I treat my female friends with the same degree of love as I give Tricia. Far from it. I love them in a different manner, certainly, but in the abstract they are treated no differently. I’m to love them as Christ loved the church. Maybe that’s too high a standard towards which to hold myself, but it makes sense to me.

And with that, I close Part 1. Next time we will examine how God’s design is fulfilled within the marriage relationship, beginning with the role of the wife. I will leave you with the scripture for this homily: Ephesians 5:22-33

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

A Biblical Liturgy of Marriage: Introduction

As I have said, I want to do a series on marriage, following the liturgy I have written.

Why did I feel the need to write a wedding liturgy? As I said in my original post on the topic back in October, I really dislike traditional liturgies. They’re so generic and meaningless. Yes, there is truth in them, but that truth has been so diluted by the generic and unbiblical language in it that there is no emphasis on the value and importance of marriage and the roles of marriage.

So, without any further ado, I’m going to start this series off by presenting the outline of my liturgy.

A Biblical Liturgy of Marriage
I. Introduction
   A. Purpose of the Ceremony
      1. Meaning of Genesis 2:18-24
   B. Giving of the Bride
II. Homily of Marriage
   A. Scripture Reading – Ephesians 5:22-33
   B. Role of the Wife
      1. Submission to Her Husband
      2. Submission to Christ Explained
   C. Role of the Husband
      1. Love of His Wife
      2. Christ’s Love for Us
         a. Serving
         b. Sanctifying
         c. Sacrificial
   D. Mutuality of Marriage
      1. Husband’s Love for His Wife
      2. Wife’s Respect of Her Husband
III. Pledges of the Marriage Covenant
   A. Pledge of the Congregation
   B. Pledge of the Parents and Family
   C. Pledge and Vows of the Bride and GroomIV. Presentation of the New Couple

I will present to you the text of the liturgy with commentary in each section. I hope that you will interact with each post, as this is by no means a definitive liturgy, and it is open to revision. I’d like for the readers to give solid input so that I can refine this into the most meaningful and biblical liturgy I could possibly create.

See you next time on the Holocron!

The Newlywed Study

The University of Rochester is going to study 800 newlyweds to find out just what makes couples work. For the article, click here.

Here’s my favorite quote from the article:

Rogge said he already has a general idea of what he’ll find because of a doctoral dissertation he did on the same topic.

“It boils down to what you learned in kindergarten: You need to be nice to each other,” Rogge said. “It turns out it’s not as important what the topic of the problems are. What’s more important is how you handle those problems. Do you negotiate those things with your partner, or do they turn into major battles?”

Rogge said too many married people act like singles, thinking only about what they want and need instead of being considerate of their partners.

“America has been drifting toward a culture of entitlement, ‘What can you give me? What can you do for me?’” Rogge said. “Good relationships, even the best relationships, take work, take selflessness.”

Now, I’ve only been saying this in a slightly different form for at least 4 years. It looks something like this:

“The reason couples living together before marriage is a bad idea is simple. When you are simply ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ you solve problems as if you were a dating couple. That means if it gets too hard you can or will break up. If you live together, you continue to behave as a dating couple, and never learn to solve things like a husband and wife do. If you get married after living together, you have never learned to solve problems as husband and wife, and that makes divorce a high risk in your relationship. If you get married after living separately, then your attitude is different. You learn to approach problems as a husband and wife, not as a dating couple. You realize that there really is no other way out of this problem but to resolve it.”

Now, there are couples who do move on from the “single” attitude and perspective to have good marriages. I personally know a few of them. But the majority of couples I know or have read about who lived together first went almost immediately to divorce.

I know this study isn’t about living together before marriage, but I’m positive that many of these couples will discuss such a situation. The researchers would be remiss to overlook this issue.

As an engaged man, I will be watching for the results of this study with interest. Anything that can equip me to be a better husband after God’s own heart is worth the time spent reading and learning to apply.