Home > Humor > “I’m Not Gonna Pee Sitting Down!”

“I’m Not Gonna Pee Sitting Down!”

Trevin Wax finds a sad but knee-slapping hilarious video of an independent fundamental Baptist preacher in this post. I agree with him that it brings a new low in Baptist preaching. This post will remain for the hearing among you until I can get a transcript, since I cannot follow a mechanical voice very well. Make sure you aren’t drinking anything while watching this if you don’t want to call the computer repair guy. Also, the video is kinda crass (which is ironic since he’s an indy fundy KJV-Only), so if you’re easily offended, go watch something else.

UPDATE: We now have a transcript, courtesy of David Elliot (the “threegirldad“) and it follows directly below the video.

With no further ado, the video:

TRANSCRIPT:

I’m gonna close with one thing. I was readin’ my Bible this week, and I kept seein’ this phrase jump out at me in the Bible. And you’re not gonna like this, but you haven’t liked this sermon up until now, so why would I, why would I try and please you now? You’re gonna, you’re gonna be mad no matter what I say.

And I was readin’ the Bible, and, uh, I kept seein’ this phrase, and I, and I studied this phrase in the Bible – it’s used six times, and it’s used by God, it’s used out of the mouth of God. And, uh, it’s when the prophet is preaching to the king of Israel, Jehu, and he says – uh, I’m sorry, Jereboam the son of Nebat – and he says, “Thus saith the LORD,” he said, “I will destroy from Jerobaom him that pisseth against the wall.” Have you ever seen that phrase in the Bible — put up your hand — “him that pisseth against the wall”? You see that in the Bible. It’s used six times in the Bible. And it’s, you know, “six” is a significant number in the Bible. It’s the number of a man. You know, there are different numbers that represent different things in the Bible? Like, “seven” is the number of completion, you know? “Five” is the number of death, and you see that all throughout the Bible: people being killed under their fifth rib, Genesis 5:5, Acts 5:5, on and on.

You’ll see, uh, different numbers and, and significance of numbers, and, and the six times this phrase is used in the Bible, and you say, “Oh, I can’t believe you’d, you’d speak that way; that’s vile!” I’m sorry, but the Bible says that the words of Jesus Christ are wholesome words, and the Bible says every word of God is pure. And, so don’t accuse me of using bad language. That’s what the Bible says. He said, “I will destroy him that pisseth against the wall.” Now, what did – did you ever stop and think, “What did God mean by that?” Did he mean, well…I, well, what did he mean? Obviously, what is he talking about? All the men, right? He said, he said, “I’m gonna kill all the men…that come from Jeroboam.” Because there’s a difference between men and women: men piss against the wall; women don’t. Ok?

And so God said, he used that language, he used that expression – and, by the way, that expression is only in the King James Bible, the New King James eliminates it; this is what the New King James says: “males”…”all the males,” and, you know, the, the guys who made it are “males”; they’re not men – and God said a man is somebody who “pisses against the wall.”

Did you know this? When I was in Germany – and you’re not even going to believe this; you say, “Why are you preachin’ this?” Cuz it’s in the Bible, ok? – I was in Germany, and, uh, I went to use the restroom in Germany in several different peoples’ houses, I mean totally different people, and even in public places, they had a sign that prohibited a man from peeing standing up. I’m not kidding. I mean, you can ask – my wife is from Germany, and I was there for 3 ½ months – they had a sign in peoples’ house, they had a sign in the public restroom that prohibited – I’m not gonna, you know, it was like a circle and a line through it – and it’s no peeing standing up. And I asked my wife, I said, “Is that like–?” I thought it was a joke. It’s like, “Is that a joke?” That’s kind of a crude joke. She said, “It’s not a joke.” She said, “No man in Germany pees standing up.”

That’s where we’re headed in this country, my friend. We got a bunch of pastors who pee sitting down. We got a bunch a – and, and you say, “Ah, you know, you’re being vile.” I’m not – Hey! Then God’s being vile. God’s the one that wrote the Bible, my friend. We got, we got pastors who pee sitting down; we got the President of the United States probably pees sittings down; we got a bunch of preachers, we got a bunch of leaders who don’t stand up and piss against the wall like a man. And I’m gonna tell you somethin’: that’s what’s wrong with America.

You don’t, you don’t like it? You don’t like an old-fashioned Bible, that tells you what bein’ a man’s all about? Because it’s called the King James Bible, and if you don’t like that term, “piss against the wall,” then you know what? Go to the bookstore this afternoon and buy a New King James. It’ll take out that word, it’ll take out the word “damnation,” it’ll take out the word “hell” about half the times, it’ll take out the word “Jehovah,” the name of God, it’ll take out anything in the Bible that, that has any, uh, power to it; it’ll take out anything that tells you how things are supposed to be, but you know what?

Four hundred years ago, pastors used to STAND UP, AND PREACH THAT A MAN NEEDS TO BE A MAN! Not a “male.” Not “the males.” It’s cuz the editors of the NIV pee sitting down. It’s because the editors of the New King James, they all pee sitting down. I’m gonna tell you something’: I’m not gonna pee sitting down. I don’t care if it’s Germany, I’m goin’ to Germany in about a month – you better know I’m gonna stand up everywhere I go.

  1. February 13, 2008 at 10:22 am

    What can I say?

    Wow…

    Coming next Christmas for a preacher near you…The Potty Pulpit!

  2. February 14, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    That was sad!

    If I preached that at my church, my wife would divorce me, my friends would forsake me, my church would fire me, and God Himself might just smite me for bringing such garbage to the pulpit!

    It was funny to watch… in a sad kind of way!

    Yogi

  3. JJ
    October 1, 2008 at 5:59 pm

    He tells us to pee against the wall, but the verse he read said that God will destroy him that pisseth against the wall. So if you don’t want to be destroyed, does that mean you must pee sitting down???

    A couple of other theological questions–

    1. Does it have to be against a wall or is into a toilet ok?
    2. What about quadraplegics? Is it ok for them to sit?

    Finally, is this a real sermon or someone doing a spoof? Surely no one really believes such things.

    J

    • Kate
      December 21, 2015 at 3:10 am

      It’s a real sermon.

  4. MarcusF
    October 29, 2009 at 9:14 am
  5. Deantae Taylor
    October 22, 2012 at 11:04 am

    im in class rite now im so bored

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